memoirs of someone like me

Blue Moon
She said I tried to mind my own business, but that sad look on your face was a challenge to my faith, made me want to chase the dark out of your room. So she smiled and said hello, little did she know, he would take a hold of her soul and never, never, never let it go...
He was fine before he met her, eyes like fades jeans, soft and blue and he had seen everything, and he had been everywhere, til he turned his gaze away, longed to see her everyday, heard a voice inside him say 'you'll never, never, never be the same'
once in while, once in a blue moon,
there comes somebody, like you
They got Fire and they got Fever,
he was more than fun, she was more than young and the orange setting sun was beautiful, ever so at ease in the sunlit evening breeze, they would talk and they would tease and never, never, never want to leave,
Once in while, once in a blue moon,
there comes somebody, like you


Blue Moon
Edie Brickell
Volcano

I may as well be made with weather.
Or maybe I am as the earth and totally effected by the warm sun and chill beneath the surface when your not standing in your sunshine.

Its always the day, grey and drizzling
Its always my gut, sick and repulsive
Its always my mind,
delving into depression,
embracing the darkness that's enveloped my heart
my life
tears of question burn in my eyes,
what is it that makes me so
where do I go to escape the inevitable doom that follows
why?, why? why?
why me, why now,
WHY!
followed shortly by the tears of anger and resentment
towards myself,
towards my life,
towards the smell of demons that live within my house,
within me........
the smell thickens in my nose and dives into my throat
only to upset the fire that burns within me,
igniting the RAGE that ensues
I erupt like a volcano, a streaming flow of molten lava,
a screaming flow of hateful words
until my stomach finally purges
leaving my life as a nasty pile in the basin

and me left to clean it up
if only I could escape the day, grey and drizzling

SO .............
my head throbs with desire
my heart screams in pain
tears of helplessness swell violently in my eyes
as my teeth bite through the skin of my lip
starting the blood taste in my mouth

spiraling
down into
hell

The greyness of the day already closes in on me,
the rain is like tears from the sky- the whole world crying.
dragging myself out of my cocoon, for what
a day
this day
this grey, drab, backdrop in front of a sad day.
I feel as though this could be my fault,
or perhaps i only anticipated the drizzle through out my mood
and did not bring it on to the world

I find it odd when a day is as perfect as this one.
sun shining, playing hooky
I cant help that creeping feeling that I must be doing something wrong...
that anxiety that covers my skin and crawls into my stomach
and when the day is so perfect

I know not where my head lies. I know not what my blood craves.
I know not where my madness is held.
I only know that I want it back.
And now I have it and I dont know - I just dont know.

I've quite given up trying to write anything on the computer, I lose my train of thought so many times in only one sentence its a wonder I get any points across at all, or perhaps I dont! My mind seems void lately what with this medication that actually works, and while I enjoy the lack of death threatening every moment I quite miss my mania. I used to so clearly vision the line of reality, for I was never so far from either side of it. But now I am encased in reality, even my abilty to see insanity clearly has been stripped of me.I find this not only unfair & unfortunate but also unwise, for there are many things alittle insanity may be good for, though Im a loss to say whatthey are now. I will try to continue with this medication, however I wonder how long I can stand the blandness of what people with no color call life. I wonder if I shall lose any talent I may have once held, Though if I had any to begin with, quite honestly I never could find it. Sanity leaves me happy in my life, I just dont find this a positive aspect of it. What happens to a soul with no longing, no yearning, no striving, for anything beyond what one or one has?